Return of the Richard
by doublemint-twins
Summary: The group is getting settled into married life when Richard returns and tries to destroy relationships.
1. TOW the News and The Person

***disclaimer: I do not own Friends or any of the characters in this story. Any songs used in this story are given credit at the bottom of this page. ***  
  
``Return of the Richard``  
  
~~~~~~Chapter One: TOW the News and The Person~~~~~~  
  
~In Monica and Chandler's apartment~  
  
"Knock, knock. Mon, you in there? You okay?" asked Chandler. His wife, Monica, had suddenly gotten out bed and rushed to the bathroom.  
  
"Yeah, honey, I'm fine. I'm so fine, that if vomiting was an Olympic sport, I'd be the gold medalist" Monica replied sarcastically.  
  
"Um, well, it's good to see some of my sarcasm has rubbed off on you. Seriously though Monica, are you okay?" Monica opened the door.   
  
"Um, honey, you look a little green."  
  
"Fine then, Mr. Bing. If you want green, you'll get green. Go unclog the toilet" Monica commanded as she pushed past her husband.  
  
"Damn PMS" Chandler said under his breath.  
  
"I heard that!"  
  
"Sorry"  
  
"Yeah, yeah,-" Monica started before she passed out. Chandler ran over to her.   
  
"Yeah, um, we're gonna need to get you to a doctor."  
  
~The Doctor's Office~  
  
"Well, Mrs. Bing, the test results are back."  
  
"And?"  
  
"Congratulations, you're pregnant. Roughly, a little bit more than five months, so it should begin to show any day now. I'll give you two a minute" the doctor said before leaving the room.  
  
"Oh my God, we're going to be parents!" exclaimed Monica.  
  
"Yeah I know, I can hardly believe it either. Damn, it seems like just yesterday we got married."  
  
"I know. Well this is getting weird. First Rachel and Ross had a kid together, then they got engaged. We got married, and now we're having a kid. Do you think the same will happen for Joey and Phoebe?"  
  
"Nah, I dunno. I mean, they're not even together." replied Chandler. He and Monica turned to look at each other. Their eyes got big.  
  
"Or are they?......"  
  
~Ross and Rachel's Apartment~  
  
"Hannah, come here sweetie" cooed Rachel to her five month old daughter. Hannah was a cute little girl who looked and acted exactly like her mother. In fact, one time, she screamed for ten minutes when Ross tried to put yellow shoes on her while she was wearing a green jumper. Hannah crawled to her mother and gurgled.   
  
"Oh my, that's terrible!" cried Rachel.  
  
"What is?" asked a confused Ross who had just walked into the room.  
  
"Nothing, honey. I'm just playing with Hannah."  
  
"You soon ready to go to Mon's?"  
  
"Ross, we've been waiting half an hour. Hannah, are you ready to go visit Aunt Monica and Uncle Chandler?" said Rachel as she scooped up Hannah and put her in her baby carrier.  
  
~Monica and Chandler's Apartment~  
  
"Oh by the way guys, Rachel and Ross just got off the elevator with the baby. They should be here in a second" predicted Phoebe, the group's resident psychic.  
  
"Um, Phoebe, I hate to doubt you, but I just saw Ross in their apartment" replied Monica.  
  
"Oh. Dammit. Why does your apartment have to look at theirs?!" complained Phoebe.  
  
"Greetings, all" called Ross as he walked in the door with Rachel and Hannah in tow.  
  
"HA!! I told you! In your face!!"  
  
"Um, Phoebe, can you calm down please? Hannah just fell asleep when we were in the elevator. And can you please explain to Ross and me what that was all about?"  
  
"Um, sure, sorry, and sure. My psychic powers told me you two were about to get here. Monica and Chandler said "Nooooo, Phoebe, I just saw Ross down there" . Well they can go to-"  
  
"Phoebe! Did you forget what we told you about swearing? No swearing around the......?"  
  
"Pregnant woman" Phoebe said quickly.  
  
"What pregnant woman?! Phoebe, who's the father???"  
  
"What?! I'm not pregnant! Now MONICA is a different story!"  
  
"WHAT??!?! HOW'D YOU KNOW?!"  
  
"My psychic powers" grinned Phoebe.  
  
"WHAT?! CHANDLER MURIEL BING, YOU KNOCKED UP MY BABY SISTER?!? I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!" yelled Ross as he lunged at Chandler who gave a yelp and half jumped, half tripped over the sofa.  
  
"Ross! Calm down, my gosh! They're married, for gosh sakes!" cried Rachel.  
  
"Um, guys, stop it. You know you really ought to-oh my God!"  
  
"What, Mon?" asked Chandler.  
  
"Are you tired of this loser? Can I kill him, Monica?" whined Ross.  
  
"Guys, calm down. Remember, the one thing we learned with Rachel when she was pregnant is never upset a pregnant woman."  
  
"HEY!!! Joseph Tribbiani!!" yelled Rachel.  
  
"Uh guys, shut up and get over here. Ross, Rachel, there's someone in your apartment! That's the guy I thought was you, Ross."  
  
"Huh? What? What guy?"  
  
"Phoebe, remember when I said I saw Ross in their apartment and then he and Rachel came in here and you yelled 'Ha, I told you! In your face!' ?"  
  
"Um, let me see....yeah, um, vaguely."  
  
"Phoebe, be serious!"  
  
"Oh that's right, I'm sorry I upset you, pregnant woman."  
  
"PHOEBE!!"  
  
"Alright, alright! Yes, I remember that."  
  
"Well apparently it wasn't Ross! It was a burglar! You guys might want to get over here to see this!"  
  
"We're coming, we're coming!"  
  
"Oh my God! Is that who I think it is?!" The group stared in shock at the person standing in Ross and Rachel's apartment. 


	2. TOW the Ugly Naked Guy

***disclaimer: I do not own Friends or any of the characters in this story. Especially the F.U.N.G. He's a creation of the brilliant Bright, Kauffman, and Crane. Any songs used in this story are given credit at the bottom of this page. ***  
  
[A/N: ~In response to the question about Monica being 5 months pregnant, and not knowing it, I realize my mistake and I apologize for any confusion. Let's just pretend she had been feeling sick for a while, and just assumed it was a 24-hour bug or a cold or the flu. ~How did Richard get in the apartment? The apartment door was unlocked~]  
  
``Return of the Richard``  
  
~~~~~~Chapter Two: TOW the Fat Ugly Naked Guy~~~~~~  
  
~In Monica and Chandler's Apartment~  
  
"IT'S THE FAT UGLY NAKED GUY!!"  
  
"WHOA! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE HIM AGAIN IN MY LIFE!"  
  
"Yeah, me too! Well in this life, at least."  
  
"I cannot believe it! Ross, we've got to go down there and stop him from ransacking our apartment!"  
  
"Rachel, that guy is 500 pounds of ugly...exactly how do you propose we go about stopping him?"  
  
"Take Monica with you. She's freakishly strong."  
  
"Okay. Number one, I'm not freakishly strong. Number two,-"  
  
"You are too freakishly strong! Monica, when we were kids, you broke my arm when we were arm wrestling one time!"  
  
"That's because she was fat!"  
  
"Okay, okay, shut up everybody! Just because I was fat doesn't mean I was/I am freakishly strong. Like I was saying, number two, I'm pregnant. I can't go down there with Ross and try to stop that brick wall."  
  
"Okay, you 'men' go down there and try to stop him. We women will wait up here and watch you get your asses kicked."  
  
"Fine!" yelled Ross, Joey, and Chandler as they left the apartment. A few minutes later, they ran into Ross and Rachel's apartment, and the girls watched them scream and get chased by the Fat Ugly Naked Guy around the apartment.  
  
"C'mon, Pheebs, let's go" said Rachel to Phoebe.  
  
"Hey! What about me?!" asked Monica indignantly.  
  
"It's not our fault you're pregnant and you get to miss all the action. Oh by way, how far along are you? Boy or girl?"  
  
"I'm about five months, so it'll start to show soon. I don't know if I'm having a boy or a girl, that's what we'll find out next month at the first sonogram. Now both of you, get over there!" Phoebe and Rachel left, and about five minutes later, showed up at Rachel and Ross's apartment. Monica was still standing at the window and was emphatically shouting at them even though they couldn't hear her.  
  
"C'mon guys, whoop some ass! Well, it's the Fat Ugly Naked Guy, so I should have said 'c'mon guys, whoop some asses!' " She was shouting so loud she didn't even hear her apartment door open quietly, or a person's footsteps across the carpet to her.  
  
"Hello, Monica Gellar-Bing." Monica whirled around and gasped.  
  
"Oh my God, Richard! What are you doing here?! You just scared the shit out of me!"  
  
"Monica, I'm here to make your life a living hell; just like you did to my life."  
  
"What are you talking about?!"  
  
"I'll just give you some time to think about that while your friends are down in that apartment with MY friends." Monica, confused, turned back to the window and look out. She was startled to see five other guys down there fighting Phoebe, Ross, Joey, Chandler, and Rachel because the Naked Guy was passed out on the floor. As she turned back around to face Richard, his outstretched hand met her face, and she went sprawling to the ground.  
  
"OW! Damn it, you jerk! What the hell was that for?!" she screamed as she got back up. Richard didn't answer, but shoved her and she went flying backwards into the living room. She landed hard, on the floor, and hit her head on the corner of the coffee table. She immediately passed out. Chuckling to himself, Richard left the apartment.  
  
~in the elevator, going back up to Chandler and Monica's apartment  
  
  
"Ow, Ross, this really hurts."  
  
"Don't worry Rachel, as soon as we get back to Mon's apartment, we'll get that cut taken care of."  
  
"Guys, I don't know what was funnier-seeing Naked Guy up close, or shoving him into that Tiffany lamp Rachel out-bid Monica for at that auction five years ago."  
  
"Um, I would go with Choice C, tying him to the treadmill and hanging junk food in front of him as we beat up those other guys. Where did they come from, anyway?"  
  
"WHAT!? YOU BROKE MY TIFFANY LAMP?! WHO?! WHO!?"  
  
"Calm down, Rachel."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever, Ross. Screw you." Phoebe opened the door to the apartment.   
  
"Oh my God, you guys, get in here!" Everyone ran into the apartment to find Monica, passed out on the rug. Chandler ran to her side.  
  
"Monica! Monica! Mon, wake up!"  
  
"Huh?" Monica said, quite confused as she came to.   
  
"Monica, who did this to you??! I will KILL them!" roared Ross, who was extremely pissed.  
  
"Richard..he snuck in here...those men you were beating up work for him" she managed to say before passing out again.  
  
The group of friends rushed Monica to the emergency room, where it was determined she was fine. However, most of the concern was for the baby, so the doctors decided they would run some tests to see if the baby was fine.  
  
"Well Mr. and Mrs. Bing, your baby is absolute fine, and in perfect health. You were scheduled for a sonogram tomorrow. Since you're here now, would you like to do that now, instead of tomorrow?"  
  
Monica and Chandler agreed.  
  
"Would you like to know the sex of the baby?"  
  
"I want to know..what about you, Chandler?"  
  
"I-I-I...okay."  
  
"Okay....well Mr. and Mrs. Bing, it looks like you're having a boy..."  
  
"Chandler Junior!"  
  
"NO! Chandler, we are NOT naming our son Chandler Ju-oh my God, we're having a boy!"  
  
"..and a girl..." 


	3. Author's Note

Hey, I'm sorry I haven't updated any of my stories lately. I've sort of hit a writer's block. Don't worry, I will be updating soon ;) . I'm also looking for some beta readers, so if you're interested, please, please, please fill out the form below and email me at dreamergirl835@yahoo.com .   
  
  
  
Beta Questions  
  
1.) Author name:  
  
2.) Real name:  
  
3.)Email address? (or I won't be able to send you the chapters)  
  
4a.) Previous experience/qualifications?  
  
4b.) If yes, what do you consider the best story you helped with? What is the author's pen name?  
  
4c.) If no, then what is the best piece that you wrote yourself?  
  
5.) Why would you like to beta for me?  
  
6.) How long can you beta for me?  
  
7.)How long does it usually take you to beta a chapter?  
  
Thank you for filling this out, I really appreciate it. Please be patient, I will get back to you as soon as I can. **Just to let you know, if you're the first person to respond, I will more than likely choose you, so if you really want this, than you might want to resond quickly! ;) ** 


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